KALI( Black Women)
The word that has always haunted my mind. Every time I hear the word it triggers me and reminds me of the many times people has used it against me as an insult. In many cultures around the world, the concept of beauty is very much focused on the color of our skin.
Whenever someone calls me 'kali' , it always reminds of the incident when for the first time I was about to visit my father’s big brother, my thulobaba. I had heard stories of him about how he was some crazy and a heartless person who treated my father, mother and grandparent very poorly. And was very stubborn and very selfish person. But as a child I always thought maybe someone did him wrong and so he was acting that way, I have never even met him and has done nothing wrong to him, he will probably love me. It was a time around Dashain, a greatest festival of Nepali people. He came back from foreign country to celebrate Dashain. Our grandparents lived in village and hence every Dashain we used to go to their place to celebrate Dashain. This time I was more excited as I was about to meet him for the first time and also day dreamed about him bringing me toys and clothes from abroad. Oh! poor me, how my dreams were scattered. This time of year I went early in my village to celebrate Dashain just because I was excited to meet him.
It was around evening, I was sleeping in my grandparent bed and he walked in, all excited I said “Namaste thulobaba". I can’t even clearly remember the things he started ranting to me after that. “You kali your father did this, your mother did this”, basically he started blaming about the things he thought my parents did, about money and property, to the 7year old me. He told me “How dare I call him “thulobaba Namaste” after my parents did bla bla things to him. I was scared to death. Within his ranting he said me Kali multiple times like I was some worthless thing that came out in this world because I was black. Scared and traumatized, I went running to my grandmother’s arm. And I cried a lot not knowing anything about what was happening and why he hated me so much. My grandmother scolded him to stop but still he kept on going about this and that for a very long time. My little heart filled with all the excitement and love for him scattered into millions pieces and every single one of them turned into fear and hate. From that day onwards I used to hate the word Kali, even if someone says it to me with love. I feel like that word was made to insult me.
That was the first time I faced racism, my parents never really made me felt like I was any less from others because of my skin color. But I started the self-criticism after he scolded me that day. I used to detest my skin color and slowly I started noticing about people passing comments on my skin color. I became more and more triggered by the things people say to me. I began to blame my skin color to anything I could not gain in my life. I grew up traumatized from that day.
But I was fortunate enough to get my loving and supportive parents who never made me feel bad about my skin. Social media was one the greatest confidence booster for me, I see all these amazing women doing amazing things being dark skinned. Confidently flaunting their skin and spreading awareness about racism. Thankfully now I am in better place than before. I am writing this blog as a message to a every young brown/black girl out there, don’t let the poor judgement of people affect you in any way. You are beautiful the way you are. I suggest you to gracefully embrace your own natural complexion. If you can combat self-criticism then nothing people say to you will matter to you. It’s impossible to change the other people’s judgement towards you but you can change yours. Love yourself sweetheart, wear the clothes, lipstick, hairstyle, makeup you want and shine.
